Hello, from Pluto. I have been searching for a proper outlet to spout my nonsense that no one cares about and I believe this will be the perfect venue. I have had so many rants and frustrations building up inside me. I am a political paradox because while I perceive myself to be a liberal, many of my philosophies about where my money goes can be viewed as conservative. I recently discovered (or more like finally admitted) that I believe in Jesus, but I find it difficult to restrict myself based on the rules in the Bible. I rather keep living how I have been living, but now with the light of Jesus in my heart…that is contradictory since I am the antithesis of a good “Catholic.”
What can I say that hasn’t been said a thousand times before? I look back at things I have posted on other sites and I feel foolish. My naivete that I had six years ago follows me.
People have told me I am an intelligent woman…but I feel like I lack the smartness that others seem to possess. I cannot recall lines from a movie, even thirty seconds after having watched it. I cannot recall specific dates of wars that have been fought in history. I don’t know when Hitler died. I don’t know when the Civil War actually started. I know the reasons and generalities of both, but it’s not enough to debate about them. I cannot debate anything. I take the side of the last person who talked to me. That is to say, if a person told me that chocolate was bad for me because it causes heart disease, I would take his word for it; then ten minutes later, someone else can tell me that the information I was given was hogwash and that chocolate is actually good for your heart. I will then flip flop and agree with him. I can easily think for myself and I usually do, but I have no ability to defend my opinions or beliefs. I go based on feeling. If I feel that something should be a certain way, then that’s how it should be. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. I am also seemingly gullible, to a degree. I am more of a skeptic and a cynic than anything. I doubt a lot and have little faith in anything. I have been taken for a fool so many times in my life. I distrust a lot of people around me and I find it easier to build a wall around myself.
Just ask my boyfriend, who has been with me for almost two years. He has just barely broken down my barriers against the outside world. I don’t do well around strangers and prefer not to interact with people I do not know. I seem hostile and off-putting at first, but once you are in my circle of trust, I will be the best friend you ever had. I will do my best to look out for my loyal cohorts. Any of them can contest to that. I listen when people talk to me and I am willing to provide feedback and the minimal advice I have. But the caveat to that is that I am opinionated and speak what’s on my mind, regardless of how offensive it is. Hence, most perceive me to be a bitch. But I would rather be a bitch than a doormat pussy. I can hold my own when I have to, but I would rather keep the peace.
When I feel threatened, I will clam up. I avoid confrontation when I can. I can’t think straight or even find coherent words when I am infuriated. I don’t like to stress out my heart more than I need to. Anger leads to violence. I like to think through what I want to say in a methodical manner before I respond to a critical issue. I can’t think on my feet too well in intense situations. I have to mull things over for a while before I can answer correctly and coherently.
When I dislike someone, they know it. I will avoid them at all costs. I do not look at them or acknowledge them. Eventually, it becomes difficult to even try to pretend that I like the person or want to be civil with them. I prefer “out of sight, out of mind.” If I don’t like you, I will cast you out of my life entirely, with no return.
And with that, there is my first entry. Nice to meet me. Indeed it is.
- missfrijole posted this